ArtSouth, The world upside down

ArtSouth, The world upside down

by | Sep 6, 2021 | Blog-UK

Ronald A. Westerhuis – Shine 2021

Part 2 of the ArtZuid series

This second sculpture reminds me of a world upside down. When grieving you can experience this, as due to a drastic loss your life has changed forever. Your world is quite literally upside down.

The American grieving expert William Worden distinguishes four grieving tasks, which you possibly might recognise. 

Task 1: Facing the reality of your loss
The loss feels so unreal, that our mind suppresses it in the first instance. Some denial can serve a purpose in that it allows you to slowly absorb the full weight of the loss. Mentally you know it, but the emotional awareness comes later. A friend once told me that when her father had passed away, she was angry at the world and the trees, as they went on living through the seasons and got new leaves. The world around her continues and her life stood still and felt upside down. After a while you will realise that the loss has occurred, which is the first step towards adapting and moving forward. 

Task 2: To work through the Pain of Grief
Acknowledging your feelings and working through a range of different emotions is important. Among others sadness, fear, loneliness, despair, hopelessness, anger, guilt, blame, shame and relief. Also physical pain can be a way to express your feelings.  These complex feelings can be confusing, tiring and also painful. 

Task 3: Adjust to an Environment without the Deceased
The permanency of being without what has been lost can be overwhelming. In the beginning everything will remind you of your loved one. With every song I heard, I could relate the lyrics to Paul, my partner who had died and I felt the absence. Interactions with others change as the environment reacts differently to a couple than to a single person. You may need to learn a wide array of new skills and tasks or outsource them. You miss the atmosphere you had together and also the future goals are not the same anymore. You have to adjust and adapt to the new normal, which entails reorienting and restructuring what you do without your loved one.

Task 4: To integrate the loss in your life.
This is about finding an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life. Your loved one will always be a part of your live, only physically your loved one is not there anymore. The connection will be shaped differently, they also call this the symbolic bond. Do you carry for example something symbolic, which reminds you of your loved one?
The grief will become less and doesn’t control your whole life anymore. Of course there will still be difficult days but you can begin to meaningfully engage in things that bring pleasure and open up to new relationships. 

There are many grief theories and none are proven to be the absolute truth. These are certainly helpful and relevant tasks, but if you do not feel like you have completed them that is not a reason to panic. It may mean you are still working through the process or it may mean that this is not the model that best reflects your own experience.  Grief is unique for all of us. In case you want help or would like to talk about it, feel free to contact me.

ArtSouth – Which face do you show when grieving?

ArtSouth – Which face do you show when grieving?

by | Aug 24, 2021 | Blog-UK

This series is about connecting the sculptures of the ArtZuid route in Amsterdam with grieving. Loss is inseparably connected with life. We prefer not to think about it. Mourning is the reverse side of love and losing somebody we love hurts, it doesn’t matter whether we talk about dying, job loss, divorce, health or future expectations.

I start with the artist Joseph Klibansky, who made the sculpture of the goddess Aphrodite from Greek mythology wearing an African elephant mask.

Looking at this sculpture I think: ‘Which face do we see when you are grieving?’

We can all interpret how somebody looks, however that doesn’t mean that the person also feels that way. Of course it is great if it reflects the inner truth. When grieving you try to keep your chin up, you don’t want others to see how sad you are.
As a volunteer, I support bereavement groups where the participants are asked to make a drawing of their face. On the left side of the face how they feel from the inside and on the right side how they portray themselves on the outside. Mostly these are beautiful, but also sad drawings, with a lot of insight, which becomes clear when the participant discusses their drawing. It clearly shows that the grieving from within is different than that which is projected out-with and that we are not always willing to show our inner side.
How do you feel from the inside and do you also show this externally? What kind of mask are you wearing?

Different Bankholidays

Different Bankholidays

by | Dec 24, 2020 | Blog-UK

On Sunday evening I danced at home and listened to the song ‘Aquarius’ from the rock musical ‘Hair’. From this song the following lines appeal to me:
 
Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation
And the mind’s true liberation
 
The Aquarian or Piscean Age represents transforming the world to more human values. The text above resonates with me.
This year was clearly a year of reflection and going more inwards.
A year where we take into account other people’s opinion, no matter how difficult this may be. A year where we have had enough of pollution and are becoming more one with nature. Unfortunately also a year were people were more lonely and where it was not always possible to say goodbye to loved ones as we were used to.
 
Christmas is a time to spend with family and due to the restrictions you might have to spend it without them. The absence which is so tangible, you wished they would be here with you. Christmas and the New Year will be different for many people this year.
No matter what kind of circumstances you may find yourself in and whatever you believe, I wish that 2021 will bring days of light, self-love and above all connection with the new age of Aquarius.

Different Bankholidays

These Holidays are different

by | Dec 3, 2020 | Geen categorie

On Sunday evening I was dancing at home and Aquarius from the musical ‘Hair ‘was playing.

These lyrics really spoke to me:
Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living dreams of visions –
Mystic crystal revelation –
And the mind’s true liberation

The Age of Aquarius or ‘the Fish’ represents the transformation of the world towards more human values. The lyrics described this perfectly. This past year was clearly a year for me to come closer to myself and find meaning.
A year where we needed to listen to and respect each others’ opinion, and that can be difficult. A year where we had less air pollution and became more ‘one’ with nature.
Unfortunately a year where there was more isolation and loneliness and where sometimes people couldn’t say goodbye to loved ones in the way they would have liked to.

Christmas is a time to spend with family and now we must spend it without them. In this situation the loss feels so apparent, you really wanted them here. Christmas and New Year will be different for a lot of people this year. Will you be able to still make it something special?
Whatever situation you find yourself in, whatever your belief, I wish you days of light, self love and unity in the New Age of Aquarius

The function of crying after loss

The function of crying after loss

by | Sep 8, 2020 | Blog-UK

Recently two women in my bereavement group shared; that since their husband died, there were many moments during the day where they felt a need to cry. This reminded me of my own tears during my grieving process. In this blog I’ll take a look at the cultural aspects and the scientific and psychological insights about the function of crying after loss.

Crying brings calm and relief
The psychologist Alex Goetz carried out research on the effect of tears on the body and mind. Sadness causes stress in the body and therefore crying can relieve this stress. The majority of people – me included, feel better after a good cry, I wonder if this is also your experience?

Are we allowed to cry?
This depends on the culture and the family in which we are raised and also how your parents dealt with emotions and crying. In your family or school was crying tolerated or not? Men and women have been brought up differently with regards to showing emotions too. Are we still saying “Boys don’t cry”? I think people are more aware of that label nowadays. In general I think to show your emotions these days is more acceptable and I think that this is a positive development.

Not able to cry
With loss there is a whole range of varying emotions; sadness, anger, fear. If we’ve learnt that we must keep our emotions under control there is a danger of repressing all these too.
My experience and that of other Psychologists know that a healthier approach is to acknowledge pain and emotions rather than to repress it, though this can be difficult. I support people with this in my practice. If you ignore emotional pain, it can disrupt your life by manifesting in other ways, such as physical pain, illness, stress and burnout.

Finding Balance
Sometimes it’s normal just to want to forget our grief for a while, so that we can put our tears to one side. To find a distraction like shopping or doing sport is a normal way of coping during grieving. Stroebe en Schut talk about a Dual Process Model where there is a seesaw effect between grieving and getting on with life. I wonder if you recognise that?

Communication and connection
What is often not talked about is that if you are sad and cry in front of someone , it reveals your vulnerability. It tells them how you are feeling, what you are going through and then they can give you the support that you might need. After all until you tell them, they don’t know the depth of your feelings. It can bring a deeper connection with those around you.

Finally
If anything in my blog struck a chord with you, and it would feel good to share this with a professional who can offer you a safe and confidential space to share . Please feel free to contact me on 0610144644 or drop me a line on welkom@palmyrabakker.nl for a free initial conversation.