by Palmyra Bakker | Jun 20, 2024 | Blog-UK
After losing my partner, Paul, my outlook on life changed. Until then I worked for a multinational company as a Change Manager. I then opted for a different interpretation of my work, by first completing Coaching training and then Grief and Loss training at Land van Rouw.
Many clients have since found their way to my practice. It touches me, how many have made the choice to choose me. Sometimes it was the text on my website, a poem, the description of who I am, my photo, the reviews, through a telephone conversation with me, a referral from a GP or a recommendation from a client. It is both fascinating and interesting to guide people from different cultural backgrounds in my practice. For me, an essential part of this has always been to provide a safe place where people are welcome with everything going on related to their loss.
A completely different side of my work is advising P&O managers (Personnel & Organization) on how to deal with loss in the workplace and guiding support bereavement groups at Humanitas. I also get a lot of satisfaction and inspiration from this.
I am, of course, not standing still. Over the last two years I have been studying Trauma Processes at Praktijk Parabel by Gwen Timmer and I am slowly integrating this into my work.
To reflect on the success of my practice, the 1.5-hour intake / introductory meeting is free until end of September for people starting a new support program.
by Palmyra Bakker | May 2, 2024 | Blog-UK
Peter and Claudia decided not to see each other for a while. Claudia needed time to think if she wanted to continue with the relationship commitment at her young age. The separation had done her good. They had agreed to talk soon to see if they wanted to stay together. It never came to that. On his way home, after an evening meeting from work, Peter died in an accident. Claudia was completely devastated. Why? (did it have to be this way)? She hadn’t had time to say that she loves him and that she wanted to move forward with him..
Eight months later, his parents gave her his bag, which had been released by the police. The three of them unpacked it together. Curious to see what’s inside. It contained his books of his work and two deodorants. She is very happy with the deodorants, the smell reminds her of him. There was also a ‘kinder egg’ in it, which made them laugh. It turned out to contain nothing but some mustard seeds. To this day, it is a mystery to her why he put mustard seeds in the egg. She can’t ask him (anymore).
On the way home, she is surprised that there is so much laughter despite the sadness. Once home alone, she puts the bag down and immediately the intensity of the loss overwhelms her again.
Grief can be overwhelming at unexpected moments after the loss of a loved one. Sometimes the trigger is a comment from someone or a memory triggered by something or as in this anecdote, the bag. If you can, don’t push back this grief and let it be there. By allowing it and staying with it, it will slowly subside and some space will be created.
If the grief remains repeatedly overwhelming and there is little to no change in how you feel, it is advisable to seek support in dealing with your loss.
The names used are fictitious.
by Palmyra Bakker | Nov 24, 2022 | Blog-UK
Maybe you asked yourself: “what does this photo have to do with grief?”
This is a photo of a corner house in Amsterdam that I regularly cycle past.
When someone experiences loss, they might feel something like waves; sometimes processing the loss & and sometimes working on recovery; like the metaphor: “Grief is rowing with two oars.” This is taken from Stroebe en Schut’s dual process model.
It takes a lot of effort to keep a boat afloat, and balanced in order to move forwards . Sometimes you go round in circles, depending on which side demands more attention. The two oars each represent an aspect of the grief process.
If someone focuses only on the loss there is a chance that they will get stuck there. However if someone is only focused on recovery there is a risk that the grief is being suppressed. It is important to be able to ride the waves of grief. When grief is not experienced and is pushed to the background it can be triggered later on and re-appear.
This is the case for any kind of loss or change; death, divorce, illness or loss of a job.
If you are in a grieving process I hope that you’ll recognize something in this blog that gives you some insight into how you are steering your boat. This varies from person to person and from moment to moment.
If you recognise that you might feel stranded don’t forget that you can reach out for help.
by Palmyra Bakker | Dec 30, 2021 | Blog-UK
2021 is almost over. It was a challenging year and after re-evaluating on several fronts, I now step confidently into the new year. How has the past year been for you and how will you go into the New Year?
For me it was the year where I finished my Dutch booklet ’11 Gouden tips bij verlies en rouw’, where I started walking with clients and expanded online counseling. The year where I facilitated my fourth Dutch bereavement support group and the year where I commenced the specialization ‘Frozen Grief’. I have also completed the 9 months Psychosocial Fundamentals (PSBK) training course, which means that from the 1st January, clients who have additional insurance can now claim a refund from their insurance provider. Writing all of this, I can say that I have achieved a lot and I am grateful for it. It feels good.
What do I want more of through my practice?
I am grateful that I may listen to your story and be able to stand next to you in difficult times. On top of that there are also the added complications of the various lockdowns. Through my practice, I have heard many stories this year, some sad and even desperate, others full of loneliness and thrown back on yourself, but also stories of hope, confidence and full of love for the deceased. Clearly grief is the opposite of love, that’s why losing a loved one hurts so much.
What do I want different?
Less administration. Although I am good at it, it does take up too much time, which I prefer to spent in connection with others. Also during Corona times, I want to receive clients face to face again where possible and of course with all necessary precautions.
I hope that I can listen to many more personal stories in 2022, despite how heartbreaking some may be. That I can live by my own norms and values and that we keep searching to what connects us, even when our beliefs/positions are different. King Willem Alexander verbalized this very well in his Christmas speech.
Together with a colleague, we will run two English speaking bereavement peer groups in Amsterdam this year. We are very proud to supervise these groups and are looking forward with anticipation to the participants we are going to meet. We are grateful that we may be part of their process of recognition and acknowledgement and to laugh and cry together.
The new year starts again with a lockdown. Through your stories I know how much impact this has on interconnections and inner resilience. No matter what kind of circumstances you may find yourself in and whatever you believe, I wish that 2022 will bring days of gratitude, self-love and above all connection with one another again.
by Palmyra Bakker | Nov 1, 2021 | Blog-UK
Erwin Wurm – Big Psycho X 2010
When I saw this sculpture I had to think of the saying: ‘burdened by or suffering from …’. As a bereavement counselor, what came to mind was somebody suffering from grief or burdened by guilt, shame or regret. And these latter feelings are very heavy, something I know all too well. Do you recognize this as well?
‘If only….”, is a question that keeps running through your head. It did with me after my boyfriend died. For sure in the beginning you often think, if I had done this or that, then it would have played out differently or it would not have happened at all. I called Paul (my boyfriend), from the office and the phone was already ringing as a colleague approached my desk with a question for me. I hung up the phone and thought I’ll call back later, not knowing that there would be no later! In hindsight Paul died around that time, so I always wonder whether I would have been just in time or just too late. I will never know…
You can feel guilty that you could have done something differently or have omitted to do something to prevent the loved one from dying. We may unrealistically blame ourselves for things over which we had no control. Know that feeling guilty doesn’t mean that you are guilty.
Those feelings may need some attention, and it is important to acknowledge them, but remember to look at the big picture. They are a part of a larger picture that may capture more aspects of the relationship. In case you have these feelings and you would like to talk about it, feel free to contact me directly or leave a message under this post.
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