Emotions around the anniversary of the death of my partner
Every year as the anniversary of the death of my partner Paul approaches, my emotions are noticeably very present. In the weeks leading up to it I’m more sensitive and more emotional and tears flow easily. It just happened when a friend invited me to meditate together on that day. I’m so thankful for my empathic friends. It touches me too that my brothers and sister make a point of calling me on the 26th of May to see how I am.

This year it’s eleven years ago! And some memories come up that make it feel like yesterday. The actual chain of events on that day is always very clear. What happened after that has faded more into the background. I know that I have integrated the loss into my life and I have found happiness in life again.

Waves of sadness
I experience sadness like waves, in the beginning constant waves that overtake and overwhelmed me. Literally I hadn’t had any control over my emotions and the sadness was intense. As time passed the waves become less intense and I found myself in calmer water. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays brings up a wave of sadness again. At these times the memories come back and the sadness is somehow present again.

Healing process
Recently during a five day therapeutic process, something inside me was touched and I cried for two hours solid about Paul. I noticed then, how angry I was that he had left me, I had buried the anger, even though I know he couldn’t help it. Nowadays I feel lighter and more free. I’ve let go of a heavy load and a change has happened.

My meaning
The way I have made sense of my loss was to follow a professional training on grief and loss, so that I could help others to make meaning of their loss.
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forward.” says Søren Kierkegaard
Life is far too precious not to be lived fully and I can help to guide you back to finding your lust for life.
I welcome your thoughts on how you’ve dealt with such a loss? Have you been able to make your own sense of it?

If you’ve been touched by my experience, you can contact me for a consultation.

Thanks to Hush Naidoo for the beautiful photo.